Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I have a confession.
I was going to say that I haven't blogged because I have been too busy blah, blah, blah. It would of been a lie...sorta. I mean I have been busy with summer and all, but the truth is every time I sat down to write I didn't want to. Because I knew I was going to have to blog about Nicholas's graduation and it was going to be annoyingly sappy. I mean since this is basically my journal, and that is the biggest thing in my life, I would have to record it.
I don't want to. 
I don't want to face the fact that Nicholas has grown up. He is my oldest, my firstborn and he stole my heart the second I laid eyes on him.  I wasn't even a mother before he came into the world. We learned what that meant together. It was just him and me for 4 years and that kid was my constant sidekick and my best friend. 
That boy made me the most happy, the most excited, the most sad, the most mad, the most frustrated, the most disappointed, the most embarrassed and through it all I learned how to be a mama and what it means to love a child.  The crazy deep kind of love that changes who you are forever. It's true, I am a different person then I was almost 19 years ago.
The moment I held him in my arms my heart was altered.  I remember being pregnant with Benjamin and secretly feeling a little guilty that he wasn't going to be as loved as his big brother. Obviously that is all part of the deal.  My heart was indeed altered forever with the capacity to understand love in a whole new way.
Now suddenly everything meant more and every person meant more. 
I felt like I related with all mothers across the globe because they loved their child like I loved mine.   Heartache and joy took on a whole new meaning.  But even though I love this human being so much, the fact is he has his life to live completely separate from me. 
 That's the deal. 
 I give every breath to this child of mine and he walks out the door and hardly looks back.  And I want this.  I wanted to raise a child who could spread his wings when it was time to jump. Nicholas is fiercely independent and has proved to me this summer that he is ready to spread his wings and jump.
 I did my job. 
 I will forever be on the bleachers watching this final game that is his life. I will be his biggest supporter and his biggest fan and I will coach him if he needs it but I won't be on the field with him.
So I let him go...just like that. 
 I will have my 3 other littles that are growing up behind him and they will keep me busy and my heart full.  But I realize as each one jumps they will take part of me that was reserved just for them. I am their mother and that is what we do. 
Nicholas is special.
 He wasn't always easy and nothing worthwhile ever is.
This quote seemed to remind me to let Nicholas be who he was going to be. 
 It gave me comfort and understanding and reminded me that one day I was just simply going to be applauding him from the sidelines. And until my last breath that is what I plan to do.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.

Kahlil Gibran


To celebrate the big occasion we headed into San Francisco with our family, his cousin Rachel, and of course John and Ann. Now Rachel and Nicholas have been best friends since....well forever and I consider her my fifth child I never gave birth to.   I knew they had a childhood bond but wondered if it would hold during the treacherous teenage years and rivaling high schools.  But through it all they have been each others biggest support, confidant and fiercest ally. Rachel has grown up to be one of the most amazing girls I have ever met and I can't believe that in just a few short weeks I will have to say goodbye to her. Ok I am not going to think about that.

Our amazing Thai restaurant
John and Ann gave Nicholas and Rach little Tiffany presents. Why did it strike me so stinkin' funny to see Nicholas with that signature blue box.  Btw it was a golf key ring because Nicholas's by far favorite pastime is golfing with his other best friend Uncle John.

We didn't know what to give a boy who leaves for 2 years in a few short months but we settled on a trip to Las Vegas with his cousin Emerson and his Grandpa to drive a Lamborghini around a track. It was a hit and I was told on several occasions it was the best present ever!!
The evening would not be complete without heading over to Bi rite for some salted carmel.  As a side note Nicholas was on the phone fanningling (I totally realize this may not be a word) US open tickets.  Which he indeed ended up going to and it was certainly, yet another, dream come true.
I am going to seriously miss these boys.  They will soon spread out all over the country and begin their new lives that doesn't include swimming in my backyard.

Ben with his idol
Now let's not forget that the high school fun is about to begin all over again with this guy.  Woo Hoo!!  Bring it on Benjamin... we are sooo ready. (Seriously though not really)

1 comment:

My boy and I said...

Oh my gosh this was seriously the best blog post I've ever read. Nicholas is so lucky to have a mother like you. You are amazing. I can not believe he is almost ready to leave on his mission. Time goes by a little to fast. I LOVED all the pictures. Tell Nicholas congratulations, we are all so proud of him. He is a special boy and I hope he has a blast with Emerson driving those cars:)
Oh and also we are planning to see you in just a few short weeks! My mom said she talked to you and has it all planned out. So I'm so very excited!

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