The fun...

I started using windows writer and I found all my cutest cabin pictures and they all somehow got deleted. I  was so angry frustrated that I didn't want to find all my best pictures again because it took too much time as it was.  So here you go... some pictures but not at all my cutest but I just simply don't care right now.  Technology can just freak me out sometimes.  Ugh!

 

 

 

 

Finally...

358 days is a long time for an adult to wait for something and an eternity for kids.

But time moved forward and after much anticipation, almost to the point of freak out, we arrived at our favorite place on earth… The Cabin.

 

  Why is this place so gosh darn unbelievably fantastic you ask?

I will tell you and it won’t be easy. In no particular order let me do my best.

• The smells. First thing you do is take a huge breath the moment you get out of the car…ahhh the smell of the pine trees. Then the cabin has this smoky, old musty smell and I know, I have finally arrived. Oh wait I have to add the smell of a rainstorm or even the smell of the boats engine all make me close my eyes and smile
• The funny traditions we have like saying "hello" and "good bye" to the meadow. Not just any meadow but the kind that only grows in Montana. This meadow has a huge sky and wild clouds dancing fast across it like a stage. Off to the side is the south fork river that is gently, rolling along in little curves with grassy banks. Mountains and Hebgen lake are off in the distance and serve as our constant reminder that we are in are own piece of heaven.
• Trying to get someone up on skis or wake board or really just about anything that is some type of wood plank. The cheering, the instructions and the total elation when someone reaches their goal. I don’t know I just love that.
• The fact that all I have to do each day is gather up kiddos, towels and head down to the lake and I am guaranteed the best day ever. Their day consists of paddling to frog island, swimming, jumping off the dock and playing in the sand. This might be my favorite thing.
• Heading into Yellowstone park with the family. This I might add when not make my kiddos list. In fact, they never want to leave the cabin, so this one makes them downright wild and angry. But year after year I insist. Because quite frankly, I am hoping that they will find the magic that exists in that park, that is as thick as the San Francisco fog.
• Going into that touristy, funny little town of West Yellowstone and hitting my favorite book store called” The book peddler.” I look for the staff pick, buy it and then gobble it up in about 2 days and repeat the process all over again. Fyi some of my favorite reads over the years have been from those great picks.
• The endless ping pong wars. Those games get mighty serious and Ella is nothing to shake a stick at.
• Our movies every night.
• No dishwasher. I know I must be clinically insane but for some odd reason I like to do the dishes up there with my kids. It sorta makes me pretend we live in the olden’ days. After their whining and complaining we just wash and tell stories and laugh about silly things. I don’t know I just like it a whole lot.
• Sleeping on the screened in front porch. Unless you have done it I just don’t know how to explain it. Umm it’s being lullabied to sleep by the wind rustling in the pines and hearing the waves lap up on the sand in the distance. It’s hearing squirrels running up trees 2 feet away from where your head is on the pillow. And it is even sometimes being unreasonably scared because you are 100% sure you heard a bear outside. (Tom and I have been known to keep some pots and pans by our head just in case) The air being so cold but being so cozy all cuddled up in the warm blankets. Waking up to the forest sounds all around you. Oh but wait a second I hate the crow the caws all morning long starting at about 5:00 am. I really hate that crow.
• Seeing my dads shoes and towel on the porch of the little cabin and knowing we are going to have uninterrupted grandpa time for at least a week.
• The endless funny whistle that we all associate with someone trying to feed the squirrels peanuts.
• The complete solitude of my morning jog. I think I might be the only one trudging along those quiet dirt roads and I really, really like that.
• The fact that I have no idea what time it is or what the date is…totally irrelevant.
• The closeness that I feel with my family. The cabin is just plain cozy and every day we are together without any distractions. All we do is play. That is what the cabin is ultimately about. Time together. Whether it is an atv ride or playing in the lake we are together. It connects us like only Hebgen can do.

So this is getting ridiculously long and I am tired and I want to go to bed. So I will just say this-- it is just the million and one memories all molded together to make the cabin unbelievably wonderful and makes me think that if Hebgen isn't heaven I am not so sure I want to go there. :)

 Only 345 more days to go until next year.

I am going to have to put more pics of them at the cabin in the next post because I am just so done with this one.

It doesn’t take much…..

We all needed a beach day and so we packed an incredible picnic and headed out the door…. and just like that it turned out to be a totally, unbelievably,  perfect day.

This is an instagram pic and oh how I love instagram!!

We then found this restaurant which is the biggest do over ever…well along with the pie place on the corner that had fresh pie shakes. That bears repeating fresh pie shakes!!  They were so good in fact that today is my birthday and we are going into San Fran right now to have another one.   

I am grateful for miles and miles of sand and the Pacific ocean.

I have a confession.

I was going to say that I haven't blogged because I have been too busy blah, blah, blah. It would of been a lie...sorta. I mean I have been busy with summer and all, but the truth is every time I sat down to write I didn't want to. Because I knew I was going to have to blog about Nicholas's graduation and it was going to be annoyingly sappy. I mean since this is basically my journal, and that is the biggest thing in my life, I would have to record it.

I don't want to. 

I don't want to face the fact that Nicholas has grown up. He is my oldest, my firstborn and he stole my heart the second I laid eyes on him.  I wasn't even a mother before he came into the world. We learned what that meant together. It was just him and me for 4 years and that kid was my constant sidekick and my best friend. 

That boy made me the most happy, the most excited, the most sad, the most mad, the most frustrated, the most disappointed, the most embarrassed and through it all I learned how to be a mama and what it means to love a child.  The crazy deep kind of love that changes who you are forever. It's true, I am a different person then I was almost 19 years ago.

The moment I held him in my arms my heart was altered.  I remember being pregnant with Benjamin and secretly feeling a little guilty that he wasn't going to be as loved as his big brother. Obviously that is all part of the deal.  My heart was indeed altered forever with the capacity to understand love in a whole new way.

Now suddenly everything meant more and every person meant more. 

I felt like I related with all mothers across the globe because they loved their child like I loved mine.   Heartache and joy took on a whole new meaning.  But even though I love this human being so much, the fact is he has his life to live completely separate from me. 

 That's the deal. 

 I give every breath to this child of mine and he walks out the door and hardly looks back.  And I want this.  I wanted to raise a child who could spread his wings when it was time to jump. Nicholas is fiercely independent and has proved to me this summer that he is ready to spread his wings and jump.
 I did my job. 

 I will forever be on the bleachers watching this final game that is his life. I will be his biggest supporter and his biggest fan and I will coach him if he needs it but I won't be on the field with him.

So I let him go...just like that. 

 I will have my 3 other littles that are growing up behind him and they will keep me busy and my heart full.  But I realize as each one jumps they will take part of me that was reserved just for them. I am their mother and that is what we do. 

Nicholas is special.
 He wasn't always easy and nothing worthwhile ever is.

This quote seemed to remind me to let Nicholas be who he was going to be. 

 It gave me comfort and understanding and reminded me that one day I was just simply going to be applauding him from the sidelines. And until my last breath that is what I plan to do.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

Kahlil Gibran

                                                                                                         

To celebrate the big occasion we headed into San Francisco with our family, his cousin Rachel, and of course John and Ann. Now Rachel and Nicholas have been best friends since....well forever and I consider her my fifth child I never gave birth to.   I knew they had a childhood bond but wondered if it would hold during the treacherous teenage years and rivaling high schools.  But through it all they have been each others biggest support, confidant and fiercest ally. Rachel has grown up to be one of the most amazing girls I have ever met and I can't believe that in just a few short weeks I will have to say goodbye to her. Ok I am not going to think about that.

Our amazing Thai restaurant

John and Ann gave Nicholas and Rach little Tiffany presents. Why did it strike me so stinkin' funny to see Nicholas with that signature blue box.  Btw it was a golf key ring because Nicholas's by far favorite pastime is golfing with his other best friend Uncle John.

We didn't know what to give a boy who leaves for 2 years in a few short months but we settled on a trip to Las Vegas with his cousin Emerson and his Grandpa to drive a Lamborghini around a track. It was a hit and I was told on several occasions it was the best present ever!!

The evening would not be complete without heading over to Bi rite for some salted carmel.  As a side note Nicholas was on the phone fanningling (I totally realize this may not be a word) US open tickets.  Which he indeed ended up going to and it was certainly, yet another, dream come true.

I am going to seriously miss these boys.  They will soon spread out all over the country and begin their new lives that doesn't include swimming in my backyard.

Ben with his idol

Now let's not forget that the high school fun is about to begin all over again with this guy.  Woo Hoo!!  Bring it on Benjamin... we are sooo ready. (Seriously though not really)