Cracked Foundation

I am sitting in my backyard and everything has changed.  My foundation that I trusted and lived on for 51 years shifted and then split apart.  It's all too much for me and so I focus on the things I can control. My home,,,it has always been my safe place...and my way of dealing with stress.  I  flutter around my home as if it is a flower and I the hummingbird.  I rearrange, decorate, organize and throw anything away that no longer makes me happy.  But I'm not sure this is helping make sense of the chaos right now. I lost my dad December 18, 2021.  Did I tell you that? No I'm sure I haven't because it still feels like I am having trouble breathing and I go between feeling numb and confused to crying.  I can literally feel my body trying to protect myself and it works sometimes but then I remember.  I mostly remember because when your dad is your best friend and most days you talked to him it just isn't something you can forget. Everything reminds me of him or I need to tell him something or I need his opinion.  My dad was so intertwined with my day to day living. However, I also feel grateful.  I am so blessed I got him for 89 years.  My brain knows this but my heart just wants her dad back. I miss him every single day and I have to live with the fact for the rest of my life.  And as Forest Gump says, "That is all I will say about that."  So I'm still fluttering but I am lost. I am trying to find my new footing but there is just so much going on.  Loosing my dad was the bowling ball that knocked over all the pins.  Trying to figure out the cabin, whether we should move right now before Charlie starts high school to soooo much family drama and coming off of a year long pandemic.  I have a right to be lost and I am trying to give myself grace.  The freedom to feel all the feelings and not get frustrated and tell myself enough.  I try and find stability in morning drinks, running, counting my blessings and fluttering.  I think I'm all done for today but tomorrow I have a bathroom before and after and it's so good. and it feels so good to look forward to something...