Countdown To Fifty

When I was younger my mom never told anyone how old she really was.  If anyone asked my mom's age she would coyly reply, "I am 21 years old." Why in the world did she pick 21?  Isn't that a little young?  I mean at least early thirties make more sense when you are sitting there with your five kids and several of them are teens.  Actually, she never stopped, so when all five of us were married with kids of our own the answer was always the same.  Why?  My mother was the worst role model in history when it came to healthy aging.  She was constantly getting work done...boob jobs, face lifts, eye tugs, botox....you name it. So I was raised that the concept that getting older was the worst and to halt the signs of aging at all costs. Again why? I mean seriously that is what we do...we age.  Every day our bodies are getting older. 

This is where it gets all messed up in my head.  

I know that my only two options in life are to be dead or age.  

That's it...now if I have a choice (which unfortunately we don't)  no duh, I will choose aging.  Wouldn't we all?  So why is it so stinking difficult to age gracefully.  Why in the world is it frowned upon?  For reals... but in my own head I struggle a little because 

A. I lived with my 21 year old mom for eighteen years and 

B. It's hard to see those lines and to see the sagging and to look in the mirror at that aging body.  

But then I wake the freak up and say stop the madness....you are so blessed.  Not everyone gets to do this.. so stop your belly aching and get living.

So even though I struggle sometimes with aging I still have no problem telling people my age. " I am 49," I say and there is no part of me that is ashamed or embarrassed by this.  I was born in 1969 and therefore I am 49.... who the freak cares.  I was at our neighbor's house who is moving and Tom asked her age and she would not say. Would not say! OK, Tom shouldn't have asked, but again, what in the world is the big deal? Why was my mom 21 years old her whole life.  Why? 

Now since I am 49 I am turning 50 next August.  Holy Wow.  I mean let's get a few things straight at this point.  I don't feel 50 and when I look in the mirror I certainly don't look 50. I don't move like a 50 year old and I don't act like a 50 year old. (And by act I mean aren't 50 year olds supposed to be mature and refined and just over all be classified as beautiful ladies and have there crap together?) I feel fanfreakingtastic.....for reals.  Nothing hurts and I run 4 days a week and do a video at home 1 day a week.  I am a vegetarian because the thought of eating an animal hurts my heart.  I try and eat healthy for the most part but I have a wicked sweet tooth that rears it's ugly head somewhere between 7 and 9:30 every night.  I love ice cream a ridiculous amount and chocolate almonds.  Pizza is my spirit animal and we have it every Friday night. This is not the food journal of a rail thin person but I am normal size and have been my entire adult life. 

But 50 is just out there in the shadows making me analyze my life and I find myself reflecting on that looming birthday almost every single day.  So I decided I needed to write it out.  That's what I used to do before I got out of the habit of writing.  

I am calling this my countdown to 50.  

I don't even know what that means yet but I am starting with a list.  Maybe goals... although I am scared to call it that because I am just leaning into these things.   Leaning in and having these ideas and thoughts and feelings on my radar.  I like that way better than absolutes measured by a yardstick of failure, because guilt will undoubtedly settle in if they haven't happened all the way and this list is sooooo not about that. 

 No , no and triple no.

So here goes my preliminary count down to 50

1. I would like to meditate often.  I have meditated 3 days in a row and it feels good. I have so many thoughts and feelings and stresses and worries.  Some helpful and some not so much.  I want a way to process things in a healthy and positive way.

2. I am learning to love my body.  It has taken me a lifetime and I'm still not there but I am making huge progress. Looks were super important to my mother (see above) and fat was not tolerated.  I was on a diet starting in middle school and I was rail thin.  But because I had a different body shape then my sisters I was deemed fat. I thought I was fat at twelve and that vein of untruth poisoned my thoughts and self worth for more years then I care to admit. I still fight it daily.  I wake up looking at my belly making sure it is still flat until I remember that I am simply not doing that anymore.  I'm just not.  But my brain rebels and we have a bit of back and forth dialogue throughout the day. I am slowly winning the fight and I have such appreciation for  my beautiful, healthy, functioning, gorgeous body that sometimes gratitude tears involuntarily run down my face. I'm for sure winning but I want to keep up my progress up by leaning into exercise even a little harder. Like I said I am a runner bu nature but I am thinking about getting more fit using BBG before I turn 50. Eating healthier and just really paying attention into what is going into my mouth.  I heard the term spiritual eater and I am leaning into this idea.  Becoming vegan? Maybe or maybe it just means more plant base eating.  Just thinking...

3. I want to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.  Weird right? I know it is but all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I did... and I am not ashamed to admit it.  When all the other little girls were talking about their dreams I just held my little doll and thought about how much I wanted to take care of those babies.  I look back and think, why didn't you think this. or why didn't you do that, and the thing is if I could go back in time this second I wouldn't change a thing.  Not a single thing so how can I have regret?  Sure if I knew what my future held I would have done things differently but I go back into that twenty something mind and the only absolutes were my love for Tom and our future children. I love being a mother.  It is my life's work.  To say I love my four children is the understatement of the century.  They are my everything and I learn from them every single day. I am still mothering two of them Ella is a junior and Charlie is in the sixth grade and forever and ever being their mama is the most important job I have but....I'm thinking.  Just leaning in to the idea of what next?  I heard it said that you think what bothers you the most and use that as your guide.  So what bothers me?  Just thinking... 

4. I called myself yesterday to Tom a minimalist hoarder.  How funny is that?  Oh my gosh when I said it I knew that is exactly what I am.  I hate messes,  I hate crap, I hate unorganized spaces but I love cute things.  I mean love them.  My house is kinda sorta minimalistish.  But my garage is a freaking crap show.  I am talking totally and utterly ridiculous amounts of stupid useless stuff.  I am so over it.  Done...donezo.  I am not leaning into this by 50 I am going to be neat and tidy if it freaking kills me by 50.  

5. I am 80% introvert and 20% extrovert.  Not a shy bone in this body...when I am out suddenly I am  the center of attention.  Not totally intentionally...I just have so many stories to tell and then I might have to act them out.  I love being on the stage.  But holy crap I so don't want to get on the stage.  Actually, truthfully, I never want to leave the house.  The struggle is real.  Like a joke with my sisters I am just teetering on this side of  agoraphobia.   Actually I think it might just be social anxiety but for reals do not make me leave the house unless it is to go on an adventure with Tom or the kids or my dad or my sisters.  I think that is everyone in the wheelhouse of acceptableness. And then it is party all day long and explore the world with my arms outstretched and laughing.  But to go to a shower, wedding, any type of party then I am out. Yep out! Ok so my countdown to 50 is understanding this and not letting it dictate my life.  Lean in to different people and different adventures.  I don't know just thinking of this side of my personality but using grace for myself while I  unpack it all.  

Maybe I will stop here.  I am tired and done for the time being but this countdown is so on.  I freaking love this stage in life and I am going to have a ball bettering myself or at least thinking about it.  Let's go 50!