That time between Christmas
the New Year when
don't know what day it is,
who you are
supposed to be doing.
Yea it was just like that.
Then Carmel came again and we ended the break with the best possible ending... or really the beginning.
I have never made resolutions but January 1 we ended up here.
Underneath this bench were notebooks that people have left behind. Some with just their names and dates and others with their instagram accounts hoping for some followers. But many others wrote their thoughts and feelings.
It was a spiritual experience for me. Even Ella and Charlie were quiet and we just sat in this spectacular setting with each other, but alone with our thoughts. Ann and I stayed way past sunset and as we say, "tried to solve the worlds problems in a couple of hours."
We certainly weren't able to do that (haha) but I was able to welcome the new year in a way I will be forever grateful for. My life has made sense for so long. I have been a stay at home mom for over 22 years. My goal has been to be the best mom I can be. Everything I perceived that to be has taken 99% of my time....but what now? My oldest is on the verge of huge changes and has been out of the home for 3 years. My second is a senior in high school and leaves this summer. Ella and Charlie are getting more and more independent and I am feeling all the feelings all the time. What does this mean for me? Where is my place now? Am I doing everything I want? I am 46 years old and while I am going to be mothering for many more, it is such a different stage. Everyone just seems to have their crap together by now and I am not sure I do. I am just feeling more confusion than I normally do. My brain is not a complicated one. It is not hard for me to find happiness and stay there. It is one of my specialties. But things are jumbled up in there and I am trying to find my way out. Not sure how long it will take me, but to have moments of clarity like I did on January 1 on river beach in Carmel,
is sometimes all I need.
the boys played MPCC.
Our endless walks...