Wednesday, November 28, 2012


My heart is a little bit broken and it may not heal for 2 years.
  Not completely anyway.
 It has been raining outside as if the weather wants to mirror my mood.
 It has been exactly 2 weeks ago today that I dropped Nicholas off at the MTC. 
 I thought I would somehow feel better..hasn't my mourning period expired?  Actually,the rational part of me does feel better. My brain knows this is the best thing in the world for my boy.  His letters are confirming everything I believed he would be.  He is loving the MTC, he loves his companion, his district, and he is loving the strong spirit of the Lord  while learning in that holy place.  And because it is Nicholas I am talking about, he is laughing all the while making the best of every situation.
 But even though my brain tells my heart all these wonderful things... my heart hurts.  
My heart wants to feel his ever present energy and his booming laugh. I ache to hear his voice and to tell me that everything is going to be fine. Things don't feel right, my house seems empty.  
But my 3 other children need me. 
 It's time to decorate the house for all of our favorite holiday.  So that is what I am going to do.  I am going to pick myself up by the boot straps, put on Nat King Coles Christmas, make some hot chocolate with some fantastic pumpkin dessert and decorate the Christmas tree.  
Won't that make me feel better?
My head tells me most definitely but somehow my broken heart knows it's not that simple.
But I have to try....

I am grateful for so much where in the world do I begin?  I guess the thing that I am most grateful for right now as I type this would be, that I get to give birth to these amazing human beings, that teach me by example of how I want to live and what kind of person I want to be. 


johnpeterjohn said...

i liked these photos very much.. thanks for sharing it!!
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My boy and I said...

Hilary, I was bawling reading this post. What you are feeling is awful, there is no other way to explain it. But luckily time moves on and like you said it probably will be the entire two years before you heart heals but keep hanging in there. Send him packages and letters, that really helped my mom and the rest of us. We loved working on things to send to Winston. I love you and am so proud of Nicholas. He's an amazing boy!

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