We have three bathrooms in our home plus one bathroom outside that we call our bathhouse. (There is also a changing room and a potting shed and it's all adorable.  I will blog about about that as well.) We redid our master bathroom several years ago but I don't remember when exactly.  I just know that we did it on a dime and it was basically free. Then we updated the boys bathroom in fall of 2019.  It is stunning and I guess I never blogged about that one...I will do that but I have to wait because Nicholas and Natali have been living with us for over a year and I never go back to that section of the house.  It works perfectly because they just have the two bedrooms back there and the bathroom and its like their own little apartment.  Nicholas has been working from home since the beginning of the pandemic. Anyhoopy back to the original post....it's just so hard to stay on track sometimes.. 

So Ella's bathroom which she has always shared with Charlie needed to be updated.  Oh and by the way Ella is back from BYUI.  She was in Rexburg for one semester and now she is doing school online. Once again pandemic reasons.  So before she had even left for college I started to dream.  So maybe like 6 months ago. This is what I knew I wanted...Wallpaper, stand alone furniture including an armoire (that I bought in San Francisco like three years ago and tried to incorporate in the boys bathroom but it was too big) and subway tile in the shower. Lots to go over here but here is the mood board.  We got the lighting, waterworks towel bar and toile paper holder in Belvedere (stunning house with stunning views) the vanity in San Francisco (the most stunning apartment, what were they thinking?) and the wallpaper Tom actually found in anthroplogie but we got it less online. The mirror is from Home depot. So this is the vision and Tom got to work around March.  

 The Bathroom before...

I cannot believe I didn't get a pic of the shower but I can't find it so that's that... but it was hideous fake yellow marble crap.  Also I still love the floors and that was part of the band-aid that we did like 10+ years ago. In that phase we painted cabinets and tom built that frame around the build grade mirror which was chunky and stunning I thought at the time. We also took out the medicine cabinet and painted the frame and tried to make it cute.  Still like it but done with the colored frame but for sure I can work with it.  Still love the wainscoting as well which was obviously done on phase 1 too.  

The during...

I am terrible at documenting the during.  But basically Tom had to 

-patch the floor tile because we were having free standing furniture not a full vanity.  

-Fix allllll the bead board from taking out the vanity and the mirror.  Sooooo much patching, 

-take out the tub marble crap. and then put of the drywall and tile it all which felt like it would never ever ever end. Also I wanted a showere curtain and not the ugly shower doors so out they went too.

-And of course take down the old lights and rewire for the new sconces.

-annnnd wallpaper which we didn't order enough and we had to get more from a different dye lot which was upsetting but ended up being the same color after ll yhst woory.

-I painted the armoire farrow and ball navy,,,can't remember the color. 

-And i'm sure I'm forgetting a million steps. haha and then like 6 weeks later we had the cutest bathroom.

The After,,,

I know I can't even.....It is just the cutest.  Every detail is exactly how I pictured it.  I am in love.  

Here are some pics of Ella's bedroom because seriously.

 

Oh my goodness I love Pear Cottage....

 

Cracked Foundation

I am sitting in my backyard and everything has changed.  My foundation that I trusted and lived on for 51 years shifted and then split apart.  It's all too much for me and so I focus on the things I can control. My home,,,it has always been my safe place...and my way of dealing with stress.  I  flutter around my home as if it is a flower and I the hummingbird.  I rearrange, decorate, organize and throw anything away that no longer makes me happy.  But I'm not sure this is helping make sense of the chaos right now. I lost my dad December 18, 2021.  Did I tell you that? No I'm sure I haven't because it still feels like I am having trouble breathing and I go between feeling numb and confused to crying.  I can literally feel my body trying to protect myself and it works sometimes but then I remember.  I mostly remember because when your dad is your best friend and most days you talked to him it just isn't something you can forget. Everything reminds me of him or I need to tell him something or I need his opinion.  My dad was so intertwined with my day to day living. However, I also feel grateful.  I am so blessed I got him for 89 years.  My brain knows this but my heart just wants her dad back. I miss him every single day and I have to live with the fact for the rest of my life.  And as Forest Gump says, "That is all I will say about that."  So I'm still fluttering but I am lost. I am trying to find my new footing but there is just so much going on.  Loosing my dad was the bowling ball that knocked over all the pins.  Trying to figure out the cabin, whether we should move right now before Charlie starts high school to soooo much family drama and coming off of a year long pandemic.  I have a right to be lost and I am trying to give myself grace.  The freedom to feel all the feelings and not get frustrated and tell myself enough.  I try and find stability in morning drinks, running, counting my blessings and fluttering.  I think I'm all done for today but tomorrow I have a bathroom before and after and it's so good. and it feels so good to look forward to something...

 

The year that never ends...

It is the first day of fall tomorrow...my favorite time of the year.  

Today, I have been fluttering around putting branches in vases and planning where I want the pumpkins to go.  Spoiler alert, I have a big fatty on my porch already.  Hopefully, there will be many more where that one came from because one can never have too many pumpkins inside and outside of the home..  It's still warm all day but the nights are getting cooler. My doors are swung opened with the September crickets lulling me too sleep. I feel nostalgic remembering my childhood home and listening to that same rhythm so many years ago.   I am buried a little deeper and feeling all cozy in my flannel jammies under my covers instead of flopped on top like a beached fish all summer.  It all feels relatively normal until I realize it's not.  The world is a topsy turvy and feels so out of control  right now and I continue to be in the eye of the hurricane.  We are still in the middle of a pandemic.  Charlie does school from home. He hasn't seen friends since last March when the schools shut down.  Nicholas is working as an analyst from our home.  Ella works at Walmart full time and we wait to see if BYUI will still be open in January.  Benjamin and Natali are at BYU in Provo as we wait for another shut down of the colleges. 

We still have to wear masks everywhere but most businesses have opened up outside.  Eating outside, haircuts outside that type of thing.  The streets are busier but most people work from home. California and Oregon have had the worst fire seasons in history and fire season has not even begun. (October is when it officially starts.) Our air quality has been horrible until a week ago but the winds shifted and brought with it a huge respite from the grey skies and some of the worst air quality since I have lived in California.  We all breathed a collective sigh as we took in that fresh air and didn't instantly have a headache, burning throat or achy eyes.  But that breath of fresh air is just a little break because our hearts know that people are still suffering and fires are still raging out of control all up and down the coast.  We have presidential elections in November and while I have always cared and voted...this one...this election feels like everything.  EVERYTHING!! I am worried for our country if Donald Trump wins.  It feels like this whole year has been such a crap storm and it would be just like 2020 to let this man win.  I know my vote does not count in California because we are a democratic state but please America... I am begging you... vote this man out!!!!!  He may act like he has your back but he doesn't and he will destroy everything we hold dear. See? topsy turvy and out of control are  putting it mildly but I still live in my little pear cottage safe from the storm outside.  Safe but unsure how to move forward.  Knowing and feeling my privledge and wanting to fight for those that don't. It's all just confusing. I am reading what I need to do besides sticking signs in my front yare...there has to be something...I have to do something to make a difference...something!!!

Sheltering Together...

Last year when Tiffy and I were in Aruba we decided that in March 2020 we were going to go to Thailand.  Long story, but she was already going to be there for a TEFL class and I would join her for 2 weeks. 

 OMG where do I even begin? 

I'll start with Tom looking over at me sometime in January and saying, "Where is your layover in China again?" And I calmly replied, "Wuhan, China." Tom flashes me the news article he is reading on his phone and the headline reads, "New Corona Virus called Covid 19 in Wuhan, China shuts down city." Or something along those lines.  

Now did I think this might interfere with my travel plans to Thailand? Maybe a tiny bit...just a niggling feeling. Did I think it would shut down my entire life? Never!! But that is exactly what it did.  

Since March 13, 2020 I have barely left the house. March 16, 2020 California completely shut down and called for "shelter in place" orders and things got real.

Covid 19 shut down my life and every other person living in a developed country on the planet.  Millions and millions of people are on lock down in their homes. England, France, Australia and United States.

and hundreds of others.  All countries.. no school, no work, no leaving your home unless it is to buy essential items.  Terms I have never heard before are now the norm. Terms like "social distancing" which means you have to be at least 6 ft from another human. "Shelter in Place" means you can't leave home.  Lock down and quarantine are routinely said and  Covid 19  discussed roughly 3 million times a day by everyone living in your household.  It has shut down our lives and the global economy.  

We are in the middle of a global pandemic.

My home currently has everyone in it.

My dad was here until a week ago.  He got stuck here at the beginning and everyone was so scared to have him leave but after 5 weeks he said enough is enough and Benjamin drove him home.  Super sad to have him go but he insisted it was the best thing for him. Then Benjamin flew home the next day which was such a risk but felt it was our best option. Benjamin had moved home from LA when things started to hit the fan.  His work had shut down and the basics of life were getting tricky. Then Nicholas and Natali moved back home on Sunday for the same reasons. They pulled in at 9:30 PM with a huge moving truck and all their stuff.  School is online for all 3 of them so it just makes sense for everyone to ride out the pandemic here. So many questions and worries without any answers.  Nothing is certain except stay home and save lives.  That's it...that is exactly all we know right now.  Everything else is uncertain...everything.  

I am trying to control what I can and that is my families emotional and physical health.  

Because the list I can't control is the size of Texas.  The list of disappointments for my kids are cancellation after cancellation... one after another.

Ella's high school senior ball, graduation, graduation parties, the last 3 months of her senior year at San Ramon Valley.  It is devastating for her right now.

Nicholas and Natali  are missing Nicholas's graduation from BYU.  Trip to Spain and Natali's internship to Spain for BYU nursing school.  Nicholas's summer in New York City and those are just off the top of my head.  I'm sure if I asked them there would be so many more.

Benjamin leaving his Hollywood job in LA that he was loving!!!  Thank goodness he already started school online at the beginning of winter but not being able to work has been awful for him.

And then there is Charlie and Clara. They are handling it the best so far. Thank goodness for the seventh grade.  He seems to be fine and not too mad about doing school online.  An adjustment for sure but he loves being home and is happy as a clam at the moment, however, we are just over 3 weeks in. Clara is in heaven and can't figure out why nobody ever leaves. haha

It has been 4 weeks since I have written everything above. 7 weeks in my house while some unknown virus terrorizes the world. I woke up this morning at 6:30 scared and confused.  That happens a lot and my emotions swing back and forth like a pendulum.
I am tired.
It is exhausting not knowing what the future holds or even what that future looks like.  Everyone is tired.  When I do leave my house to go buy my plants for my garden everyone is in a mask (required by the law) and it hides peoples smiles.  It makes everyone look mad and tired.  Emotions are running high outside of my safe bubble..John and Ann and some of their kids caught the virus.  They are fine now but it was all so scary.

However, it is not all bad and I have learned so much in this strange cocoon.  As I sit here outside in the silence I can feel such calm.  Maybe it's the eye of the hurricane but I'm calm nonetheless.  I am usually a little antsy...where to go?  What to do? Where are we going to explore?  These questions are completely obsolete right now.  You absolutely can't go anywhere or do anything outside the home except take a walk or go on a bike ride.  End of story so I relax into my day trying to learn to just be.  I am focused on being present and enjoying the now instead of thinking...what's next?

Having my family together right now is priceless.  I am so beyond grateful.  We play games, go on hikes, bake endless treats and we watch movies.  We eat dinner every night together and we talk around the table.  No rush...no place to go...and nothing...just be.  Seriously when is that EVER going to happen again?  I am trying really hard to cherish this time and I really think I am getting straight A's.  Last night we went on a bike ride...all of us together on a Friday night.  It was a magical evening. We rode along with the sun glowing through the green leaves on the trail. Everyone was laughing and talking even though there is an eerie calm.  The streets of Danville were empty...we could ride wherever we wanted to.  No worry that a car would dart of nowhere and so our small parade had the freedom to ride in the middle of the street if we wanted to.

I take a moment everyday to sit still...to be grateful.
I sit with my hot drink and count blessings and remember that so much of this is beyond my control.  I can however control the atmosphere of my little bubble. I have so much gratitude for my home and how it is keeping us safe from this passing storm.   I remind myself that this too shall pass but the lessons I am learning hopefully will not.  I love my family and I love this time together.  I try to quiet my worries.  Worries for our unknown future and the losses that so many people are facing.
Right now, looking out onto my beautiful flowers, I am focusing on loving and serving my family.
In the end what else can I do?

2020...Another decade and here we go again!

I'm not really sure when I started blogging but I  know it's been years.  

Most people that started blogging when I did are getting paid money and are making careers out of it.  I was laughing with my daughter because I was on instagram super early too but never knew what to do with it and so again missed some real opportunities there.  Now blogging has taken a step back to instagram and I'm not really sure if anyone reads them anymore.  Since this isn't a business and simply my online journal none of that matters to me.  However, I have such a hard time being consistent because it really doesn't matter what I say or how often I say it.  But as I have said before and I will say it again I enjoy it.  Writing gives me an outlet that I love and I know I need to prioritize it more.  I know this....so why is it so hard?  It seems like I should be at a point in my life where I can sit down and write here. After all I am fifty freaking years old now and I don't work outside the home!! More on that later.

  I guess that begs the question of what in the world am I doing with my time?

ummmm....Let's see if I can even answer that question...

Wake up at 7:00 with Charlie.  I have no idea what time Ella gets up or goes to school...none.  She yells good bye to me and I am snug in my little bed curled on my side cocooned in my blankets.    She bikes to school because she refuses to get her licence. (No idea what is going on there so don't ask.) I get charlie out the door at 7:45.  I do nothing but offer moral support before he leaves because he makes his own breakfast and he won't take a lunch to school.  (Again don't ask...ok fine basically he is the pickiest eater on the whole planet and if I made him a lunch it could get thrown away or it would come back to me all smashed in a tiny ball at the bottom of his backpack.  Either way he's never going to eat it and I don't feel like cleaning up 75 smashed peanut butter sandwiches at the end of the semester.  So he eats lunch when he gets home from school.  I know that is too long without food blah, blah, blah but I'm never going to win this one and so I have been done with making lunches since 2016. This is when the older kids told me my lunches were the worst and they were never going to eat them again.  Alrighty then... tell me how you really feel. ;) So I stopped.  Just like that after what seemed like 100 years of making lunches they just ended....poof...done.  I seriously don't even feel bad about it. 

I carpool 1 day a week this year...listen people...  pros and cons to a carpool.  Pros I don't have to drive every day.  Cons I have to care and be on time and not forget the children.  This is such a big con sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.

Ok so the "me time" clock starts...tick tick game on. So I make a hot drink and read my book.  How lucky am I that I get to start my day off reading a book.  Everyday I am grateful.  Every. Single day. Then I exercise...either by going on a run or doing a video.  Again, just so grateful and pretty non negotiable.  I am 50 and my body works amazing and I want to do everything in my power to keep it that way. Next shower and get ready for the day.  Now it is seriously like 10:30-11:00.  Say what? I know and I start panicking a little.  Laundry, cleaning, straightening and all the mom stuff happens in this window before Ella gets home.     

Ella is a senior. Did I mention that?

Yup she is and it breaks my heart. That little adorable thing is my best friend and I am soooo worried about myself when she leaves.  I know you're kids aren't supposed to be your best friend because they don't need another friend they need a mother.  I don't care... it is what it is and we are seriously 

thick as thieves. So anyway,  

she goes to school for half days and so she gets home at about 12:30. I like being home when the kids get home from school.  My mom did that and I love doing it for my kids. So now she's home and "me time" is over.  I end up talking to her and we play games(favorites are boggle, uno, sushi go and exploding kittens) or she does her homework or she had tennis but it seems like when she gets home I'm kind of not focused. It's more about her. 

Charlie gets home at 2:45 and then things get really real.  Homework, more tennis and dinner that I pretend to make.   

Don't get me wrong I used to make a real dinner but ever since Benjamin left on his mission it's only Tom, Ella and me that eats.  Remember how Charlie is picky? Well he has been eating cheese quesadillas for 12 years.  Who says you need a variety in your diet to grow? I'm kidding here...I tried...I really did...but I lost along time ago. (I do make him a spinach smoothie everyday and that helps right?)  But as I was saying who cooks for three people?  I guess is what I am saying here is I don't cook for three people.  So I pretend to cook things that can be done in 5 minutes.  Sometimes I even kill two birds with one stone and cook cheese Quesadillas. That works for about 4 nights a week.  We all love them so that's good.  Sometimes I put an egg and call them quevos rancheres.  That is fully cooking in my new book of low cooking standards.  As a side note I nearly killed myself over the holidays cooking and baking for my people.  I was either cooking, baking or cleaning up for what seemed like 26 hours a day.  I looked at Tom after 2 weeks of practically killing myself in the kitchen and the words out of my mouth were, "I'm done...I have filled my real cooking quota for at least a year.  Which really is about right because that puts us on schedule for me cooking just in time for next Christmas. That's so exciting because I actually enjoy making the holidays so special for my kids...although I'm pretty sure I don't need to work myself to the bone in order to achieve that. (I haven't figured out how to balance that yet. I will...) 

So as I was saying after our pretend dinner we talk, play games, watch tv, showers and Charlie goes to bed.  This is another unused window in my day.  I am in my jammies by 7:30 and I think we mostly watch t.v. I need to better utilize my nights but in my defense I'm super tired and I NEVER have been a late owl.  I love my sleep so much and I am tucked in my little bed no later than 10:30.  Well that's the goal anyway because me without a full 8-9 hours of sleep.  let's just say I am not my best self.  In fact who is? I don't understand people that do not LOVE sleep.  

I LOVE sleep.  

So there you have it....My day in a nutshell.  Sure there are a bunch of variables in there like errands, talking on the phone, (my sisters, kids, dad, or Tam)the occasional day date with Tom and posting on ebay but that is the just of it.  I don't shop for anything and Tom loves to grocery shop and so I reluctantly let him.  Just kidding I loathe grocery shopping with a a passion.  Once again that happened with time...I didn't used to hate it.  I think I grew into that one as well.  But for reals Tom loves it so I lucked out. 

I have time on my hands that I can better use....I know this.  I think about getting a job or what I can be doing to really maximize my time.  I hear about people getting second careers after 50 and I am interested...but what? What are my passions? I love photography, making videos, writing, animals, decorating, organizing and throwing things away.  Can I make throwing things away a career? I would be killing it at that job and for sure the president. Just  thinking all the time...But for now I am going to try and blog and write again and not worry about all the other stuff. Maybe that will help me figure it out.

OK? ok.

All the way people....

How many people can you name that know you all the way?

The real you...the good, the bad and the ugly.

No hiding parts or trying to make yourself look good. You say what you want about all the things and not worry about the judgement.  You never ever worry that they would tell someone else something you said or your circumstances. You trust them explicitly with every detail of your life and you give them 1000% trust in return.  You know that if you say something that they will see you in the best light and not take offense.  There is no pretense and they love you for exactly who you are.  

Love you for exactly who you are!!

Wow pretty powerful right?

How many? 

Go ahead and in your mind do a mental count.

.

I'm trying not to include my dog, Clara, in my headcount but she certainly fits the bill and is certainly one of my closest friends. ;) But I am going to keep my head count to humans.

So I have maybe a handful.

I'm not sure after almost 50 years on earth if that is a lot or hardly any.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how many you have as long as you have at least one.  I feel pretty lucky that I have as many as I do and they are my "all the way people." They are my life line and my confidants.  

I am blessed to call one of these people my sister Tiffany.  

We have been through so much together. She has lightened my worries, talked me off cliffs, and gave me hope when I didn't think there was anything to be hopeful about.  She made me feel capable when I felt anything but. The reminders of, "You've got this," and "You are stronger than you think," and "Nobody can do what you do and we can do hard things." She has been there every step of the way.   We cry together during the hard times.  

And we laugh...We laugh so hard during it all because we think we are hilarious.  

We are completely and utterly ridiculous and we do not care.

 She loves my children and I love hers.  

In short...there is nothing that we would not do for each other...

and she is my best friend.

So when she called me on a whim at the end of December and calmly stated, "I booked us a trip to Aruba at the beginning of February" like that is something that happens everyday, I yelled with a resounding yes and where in the h*** is Aruba? 

Yea she didn't know either...  

and yes we did.  

My sister and I went to Aruba for a week and come to find out Aruba is a magical place that lives in the middle of the ocean somewhere down by Venezuela. It is a sunny 81 degrees all the time with a gentle breeze to make sure that you are always at your optimal comfort level. 

The people are so kind...from our Air bnb host, to our taxi driver who would even take us to the store when we were just too tired, to our singing, backward sitting,  horse back riding tour guide and all the other tourists that we met on the beach or listened to singing in the ocean. 

Oh the ocean....you have never seen such an ocean. 

Tiffany and I let out a loud scream and dropped to the cement when we saw that ocean for the first time. It was the deepest crystal blue surrounded with white sand. 

Yup Aruba is pure magic...

Well except for the food.  

Our first dinner there they brought out some type of whole fish.  

The whole gross thing.  

Who wants to see a fish head with eyeballs and a tail? Who thinks this is a good idea?  We were starving and lost our appetite on arrival.  But at least we knew that we would starve to death before subjecting ourselves to that again and so we cooked our own pizza and spaghetti for the rest of the trip. We are super adaptable like that.  :)

Traveling with your sister is like traveling with yourself.  We thought that was so funny but it is so true.  Tiffany and I like to do the exact same things.  So we rode bikes all over the island (which was so funny) Loved walking all over the island (which was so funny) shopping in the same boutiques (which was so funny until it wasn't and she surprised me and bought me the most beautiful bracelet with crystals and a world reminding us both how much we love to travel and then I burst out crying because it meant so much to me and I was just so grateful and I just love my sister so much and then she burst out crying because we cry together always and then we scared the darling little shop owners because we were crying and hugging each other and then we thought that was funny so we started laughing again. Now c'mon that is funny) and  we both love to explore so we explored on horse back and ATV's and jumping off 2 ft cliffs (which entertained an entire beach of curious onlookers which was so funny), oh and plus we both love our sleep and our ice cream at night.  

See? Like traveling with yourself....

.Yup Aruba was magical.

Our time together was priceless.
And then you get home and people ask "Was it fun?"
And you think to yourself and smile because does fun even describe our week?
And you find your mind wandering to your memories...
Does fun describe us holding hands and running across the street trying not to get killed and laughing so hard we can't breathe each and every time?
Does fun describe Tiffany dancing on the snorkeling boat with our new random friends?
Does fun describe me at 49 years old having my first drink (non alcoholic of course but it still counts right?) sitting up to a bar?
Does fun include when we were skipping and laughing and waving our hands on the white sandy beaches feeling so free words can't describe and having that lady say, "You two are the definition of joy."
What about our lunches sitting right next to that blue water talking about life, relationships,  and what we want out of this one wild life... Does that count as just plain ole' fun?

So we tell people the simple answer... yea it was fun.
That is the best we can do because it was just our gift and we remember it together and we mentally pray that the things we learned and the adventures we had will change us for the better.  Because that was traveling does.  It becomes part of your rich life story and makes you feel small but understand  humanity just a tiny bit better. And God willing you take those memories and tuck them in safe for the rest of your life.  

So thank you Tiffany for a trip of a lifetime and for being my "all the way person." Life is is much better with you by my side...I love you!!!!

Countdown To Fifty

When I was younger my mom never told anyone how old she really was.  If anyone asked my mom's age she would coyly reply, "I am 21 years old." Why in the world did she pick 21?  Isn't that a little young?  I mean at least early thirties make more sense when you are sitting there with your five kids and several of them are teens.  Actually, she never stopped, so when all five of us were married with kids of our own the answer was always the same.  Why?  My mother was the worst role model in history when it came to healthy aging.  She was constantly getting work done...boob jobs, face lifts, eye tugs, botox....you name it. So I was raised that the concept that getting older was the worst and to halt the signs of aging at all costs. Again why? I mean seriously that is what we do...we age.  Every day our bodies are getting older. 

This is where it gets all messed up in my head.  

I know that my only two options in life are to be dead or age.  

That's it...now if I have a choice (which unfortunately we don't)  no duh, I will choose aging.  Wouldn't we all?  So why is it so stinking difficult to age gracefully.  Why in the world is it frowned upon?  For reals... but in my own head I struggle a little because 

A. I lived with my 21 year old mom for eighteen years and 

B. It's hard to see those lines and to see the sagging and to look in the mirror at that aging body.  

But then I wake the freak up and say stop the madness....you are so blessed.  Not everyone gets to do this.. so stop your belly aching and get living.

So even though I struggle sometimes with aging I still have no problem telling people my age. " I am 49," I say and there is no part of me that is ashamed or embarrassed by this.  I was born in 1969 and therefore I am 49.... who the freak cares.  I was at our neighbor's house who is moving and Tom asked her age and she would not say. Would not say! OK, Tom shouldn't have asked, but again, what in the world is the big deal? Why was my mom 21 years old her whole life.  Why? 

Now since I am 49 I am turning 50 next August.  Holy Wow.  I mean let's get a few things straight at this point.  I don't feel 50 and when I look in the mirror I certainly don't look 50. I don't move like a 50 year old and I don't act like a 50 year old. (And by act I mean aren't 50 year olds supposed to be mature and refined and just over all be classified as beautiful ladies and have there crap together?) I feel fanfreakingtastic.....for reals.  Nothing hurts and I run 4 days a week and do a video at home 1 day a week.  I am a vegetarian because the thought of eating an animal hurts my heart.  I try and eat healthy for the most part but I have a wicked sweet tooth that rears it's ugly head somewhere between 7 and 9:30 every night.  I love ice cream a ridiculous amount and chocolate almonds.  Pizza is my spirit animal and we have it every Friday night. This is not the food journal of a rail thin person but I am normal size and have been my entire adult life. 

But 50 is just out there in the shadows making me analyze my life and I find myself reflecting on that looming birthday almost every single day.  So I decided I needed to write it out.  That's what I used to do before I got out of the habit of writing.  

I am calling this my countdown to 50.  

I don't even know what that means yet but I am starting with a list.  Maybe goals... although I am scared to call it that because I am just leaning into these things.   Leaning in and having these ideas and thoughts and feelings on my radar.  I like that way better than absolutes measured by a yardstick of failure, because guilt will undoubtedly settle in if they haven't happened all the way and this list is sooooo not about that. 

 No , no and triple no.

So here goes my preliminary count down to 50

1. I would like to meditate often.  I have meditated 3 days in a row and it feels good. I have so many thoughts and feelings and stresses and worries.  Some helpful and some not so much.  I want a way to process things in a healthy and positive way.

2. I am learning to love my body.  It has taken me a lifetime and I'm still not there but I am making huge progress. Looks were super important to my mother (see above) and fat was not tolerated.  I was on a diet starting in middle school and I was rail thin.  But because I had a different body shape then my sisters I was deemed fat. I thought I was fat at twelve and that vein of untruth poisoned my thoughts and self worth for more years then I care to admit. I still fight it daily.  I wake up looking at my belly making sure it is still flat until I remember that I am simply not doing that anymore.  I'm just not.  But my brain rebels and we have a bit of back and forth dialogue throughout the day. I am slowly winning the fight and I have such appreciation for  my beautiful, healthy, functioning, gorgeous body that sometimes gratitude tears involuntarily run down my face. I'm for sure winning but I want to keep up my progress up by leaning into exercise even a little harder. Like I said I am a runner bu nature but I am thinking about getting more fit using BBG before I turn 50. Eating healthier and just really paying attention into what is going into my mouth.  I heard the term spiritual eater and I am leaning into this idea.  Becoming vegan? Maybe or maybe it just means more plant base eating.  Just thinking...

3. I want to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.  Weird right? I know it is but all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I did... and I am not ashamed to admit it.  When all the other little girls were talking about their dreams I just held my little doll and thought about how much I wanted to take care of those babies.  I look back and think, why didn't you think this. or why didn't you do that, and the thing is if I could go back in time this second I wouldn't change a thing.  Not a single thing so how can I have regret?  Sure if I knew what my future held I would have done things differently but I go back into that twenty something mind and the only absolutes were my love for Tom and our future children. I love being a mother.  It is my life's work.  To say I love my four children is the understatement of the century.  They are my everything and I learn from them every single day. I am still mothering two of them Ella is a junior and Charlie is in the sixth grade and forever and ever being their mama is the most important job I have but....I'm thinking.  Just leaning in to the idea of what next?  I heard it said that you think what bothers you the most and use that as your guide.  So what bothers me?  Just thinking... 

4. I called myself yesterday to Tom a minimalist hoarder.  How funny is that?  Oh my gosh when I said it I knew that is exactly what I am.  I hate messes,  I hate crap, I hate unorganized spaces but I love cute things.  I mean love them.  My house is kinda sorta minimalistish.  But my garage is a freaking crap show.  I am talking totally and utterly ridiculous amounts of stupid useless stuff.  I am so over it.  Done...donezo.  I am not leaning into this by 50 I am going to be neat and tidy if it freaking kills me by 50.  

5. I am 80% introvert and 20% extrovert.  Not a shy bone in this body...when I am out suddenly I am  the center of attention.  Not totally intentionally...I just have so many stories to tell and then I might have to act them out.  I love being on the stage.  But holy crap I so don't want to get on the stage.  Actually, truthfully, I never want to leave the house.  The struggle is real.  Like a joke with my sisters I am just teetering on this side of  agoraphobia.   Actually I think it might just be social anxiety but for reals do not make me leave the house unless it is to go on an adventure with Tom or the kids or my dad or my sisters.  I think that is everyone in the wheelhouse of acceptableness. And then it is party all day long and explore the world with my arms outstretched and laughing.  But to go to a shower, wedding, any type of party then I am out. Yep out! Ok so my countdown to 50 is understanding this and not letting it dictate my life.  Lean in to different people and different adventures.  I don't know just thinking of this side of my personality but using grace for myself while I  unpack it all.  

Maybe I will stop here.  I am tired and done for the time being but this countdown is so on.  I freaking love this stage in life and I am going to have a ball bettering myself or at least thinking about it.  Let's go 50!